I have a slew of blog posts in the works, but this one needs to be written - it feels like the one that is blocking the rest of my writing, including my essay. As you can see, it's from 5 days ago, so really needs to be done now.
Last Friday night, I had two dreams that I remember very clearly. The first was an anxiety dream, which always shows up as travel problems for me: being late for a plane, missing a bus, not having my luggage, can't find where I'm going. In this one, I was sharing a room with one of my male friends and his girlfriend (don't ask, I don't know either), and I had to get going. I went shopping in a mall at night, and then went out to find the LAST bus that night. Even though I left the shop with everything, I no longer had my jacket or my bag and had a hard time finding the bus stop. When I did, I couldn't get on and was getting really upset when I woke up.
The next one was big.
I was outside the house (much bigger than the real thing), sharing with the same housemates I have now. Up the (non-existent) drive came Fr Simon, current prior at BF in his habit (sans cappa) and his straw sunhat, bringing me the post for the house. I cursorily flicked through it, but my interest was taken by a bouquet of gorgeous tropical flowers with a huge box underneath it. I looked at Simon and joked, "WHY does my housemate get all the nice stuff??" Simon laughed and left, carrying on his rounds, I guess.
It had been a bright but chilly day outside, yet as I walked up the stairs to put the post by various people's doors, it became darker, as if only moonlight and starlight were coming in the windows. The carpet on the stairs and in the upstairs hallway was off white and plush under my feet, the walls were white...clean, not clinical. The hallway was dark as I entered it, with three wooden doors at the far end. At the top of the staircase, I needed to turn sideways to avoid a large, standing wrought-iron candelabra with about 10 candles in it. The candles were white.
I had put a small package for me on the kitchen counter downstairs. When I reached the upstairs hallway, I put down the gorgeous tropical bouquet, and as I did so, noticed that the large central flower was a protea. I went to put the box by Clare's door, pettily thinking, "God, why doesn't someone send me something like this?" [I know what this ties into for me, which is something very human...there are times when I think, "I am so sick of being happy for EVERYONE ELSE."]
Then it occurred to me to do something I hadn't yet done: see to whom it was addressed.
It was addressed to *ME*.
I sat down in the candlelit hallway a bit sheepishly and opened the box. It was stunning. There were gorgeous scented candles, bath things, the most beautiful blue-green translucent stones that I kept running through my fingers. It was all pampering stuff, and I realised that the gorgeous bouquet was for me as well. I couldn't stop smiling. In the corner of the box, I noticed a letter on pink stationery.
I picked it up and started to read, and as I did, the voice of one of my closest friends, an art therapist, started reading it:
Here is a gift for you so that you can prepare for your man.
I laughed, and looked down at the box, which had gotten far bigger. In front of me was something new - real gold...tweezers or tongs - and further along were little compartments I couldn't see into yet, but desperately wanted to.
I picked up the letter again and flipped to the back, and was surprised to see that it was signed "Jack" - and my friend isn't a Jackie or a Jacquelyn.
Today, I went round to hers and told her the dream, which she loved. Several things came up:
1. She noted that it was in colour and every sense was represented.
2. Also noted: every 'element' was represented - fire, air, earth, water - and for the 5 element Chinese system, wood.
3. She asked what 'Jack' meant to me...and I said names? It certainly didn't have a male feel to it, and the only Jacks I know are male (sorry, CJ, don't think of you as one).
She said, "No, brainstorm. Surprise gift - jack-in-the-box. Jack of all trades. Jack it in."
We discussed it further and she mentioned that the one feeling she had from it was 'be still' and the phrase about Our Lady "she pondered these things in her heart."
That led us to my reading the first and last part of the letter, rather than reading it all the way through. "Jumping Jack" came up then, as did the need to go through everything, rather than rushing.
4. I noted that I had assumed that the flowers and box *weren't for me*, that the good stuff *never comes to me* - that it was so much a part of my mindset that I hadn't even LOOKED to see who the addressee was.
5. She noted that the box had gotten bigger and was still giving - she called it a cornucopia. "Ah," I said, "Demeter, the eternal mother, is my main archetype." We discussed Persephone, Queen of Hades as part of that as well.
6. She felt that these were *my* inner gifts that were coming into fruition/consciousness. Makes sense as I came UPSTAIRS - from the subconscious into the conscious.
7. Also noted - the gifts were of cleansing (bath), spirit (candles/stones) and change.
8. I'm running around chasing too much - I need to let things/God come to me. And they will. I need to sit, wait, be still - and I think there's a real call for my prayer to become more meditative.
9. I'm being taken care of/nurtured/mothered.
Over to everyone else - I'd love to hear from you.
And now, let's see if the writing block to everything else is over...