I'm trying to get back to blogging, so I thought this exercise I swiped off MidnightSidhe might be a good place to start. Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
1. I think you are one of the most wonderful human beings on the planet and I love you dearly, but I wish you could see how your unwillingness to face unpleasant truths about certain things has built this huge, transparent barrier in our friendship. I'm sure you've noticed that I don't speak to you as freely or at the depth that I used to. It's because I'm afraid that sharing so much of what I'm really thinking/feeling might break that shell you live in - and I'm afraid of what would happen then. I know facing those truths and dealing with them might mean frightening, huge changes - but it would also mean the emergence of gifts of yours that have never had the chance to express themselves: the truth shall set you free. I wish I COULD talk to you about how I'm really feeling.
2. There you stand, in your rigid moral certainty, pouring contempt on those who don't see or do things as you do. You think you are the epitome of strength and truth, yet all I see is a scared child lying to everyone, desperate for approval. I alternate between wanting to turn around and hold a mirror up to you until you SEE, until you break down with seeing, and putting my arms around you like a mother and telling you it will be all right. You think you are a bastion of trustworthiness, but your inability to be whole, to be real, makes you utterly untrustworthy. You believe that you are selfless, but your actions are all about you: either about protecting the narrow straitjacket you've created to prove that you are truly good - better than anyone else - or relating with others in ways that fulfil deep needs/desires you try to deny. You'd be more *truly* good if you'd just be real, rather than trying to amputate parts of yourself that you see as 'evil'. They aren't. They are simply part of the whole.
3. I wish you realised just how beautiful and amazing you are, and that you don't need to be like me or anyone else - you're incredible the way you are, and it is my privilege to be your friend and watch you unfold.
4. Thank you. I know it didn't end well - and I'm really sorry for my part in that - but thank you. Thank you for the days when seeing you made it hard to breathe; touching you even harder. Thank you for giving me back so much of myself. But above all, thank you for desiring me - though I heard your words, what told me that was your reality was your face when our eyes met and your hands when you touched me. I know there was no way it could have worked long-term, even if things had been different: but know that even though I may regret moments where I could have done things differently, I'm so glad we happened.
5. I am so sorry. We were such good friends, and now I've not been in touch in ages. When I didn't get a Christmas card from you this year, that hurt like hell, but I understand. You tried so hard, but I wasn't in a place to respond, not consistently. I need to write you a letter, but I'm so ashamed, I don't know where to start.
6. I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you wanted, but I'm even sorrier you couldn't love the person I am. I should have been the most precious thing in the world to you; that which you'd protect above everything, not someone to whom you said, 'It's not important; it doesn't matter,' when I finally told you I'd been sexually abused. I remember telling someone that I remember that by the time I was 4, I didn't care when you came home. She gasped in shock, saying, "You should have been his little princess!" I wish I could express how entranced I am - the exquisite joy and deep ache - when a little girl knows she is beyond safe in the arms of an adult male who absolutely adores her - her father, uncle, family friend. Even now, I can't look away. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. But I know you wouldn't get it.
7. I've heard that you miss me, but you haven't really tried, have you? You never tried. When it was sorting out my health, it bored you. Doing anything for me was utilitarian; it was never out of love. You pretended to really want to listen to me only when YOU needed an ear or when he sent you to get information. You betrayed me over and over again. He yelled; you pretended helplessness. Even then, you knew it was my weakness, didn't you? That I'd come running every time, thinking you were a victim - not the partner in crime you were. You will never betray me or any of mine ever again. You thought your role meant automatic unconditional love and someone who would take care of you when you needed it. You cannot manipulate, demand, guilt or assume love. That is obligation. Love is a gift, one without the strings - make that jungle vines - you felt the need to attach, because you were so afraid I'd leave if you didn't. You two didn't bank on my having a machete.
8. It suddenly occurred to me one day last year that YOU are my love map. You are the reason that, despite never having smoked (or wanting to), I find a man lighting up so sexy. Ditto a man being shaved with a straight razor. You're the reason dark hair and light eyes turn my head every time, at least briefly. And YOU are the reason that the cheeky guy will get me every time. I remember how I LOVED watching you cheek my mother ("BAAAAAAAAAAAJI") and how you'd break through that facade to get her to smile. How you'd get us Baskin Robbins sundaes behind her back. And how, when you came to us at your sickest, when you could barely get up, you brought laughter and momentary peace to a fraught house devoid of both. I adored you then - and still do. Someday, G-d willing, I'll find you and the rest again. I miss you guys so much.
9. I wish I could hug you one more time. I LOVED YOU SO MUCH, and I don't think I ever said it, though I hope I did. I wish, I wish, I wish you were still here. I knew then how much I loved you; I know now how much I need you - your wisdom, your spirituality, your unconditional love, our roots. I wonder what you would have thought of me as an adult. Wherever you are, I hope I do you proud.
10. I remain in awe of how effortless our friendship is; the depth of connection; of what a joy it is to be with you. Of how I can tell you anything; feel anything; be anything and know I am utterly safe. It shouldn't anymore, but it still surprises me when you say something I've said to someone else not 24 hours before - in almost the exact same words. I love that you call me on my crap. Sometimes, I sense such melancholy and aloneness in you. And I wish you'd let me reach it - or at least sit there with you. Love you - more when I see you.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.