"I have never known a novice with so much passion and so little joy. What tears at your soul, brother?" --Cadfael, The devil's novice
Not a novice, but you know who you are, boy-o.
Please, turn around and face the demons before avoiding them destroys you or even kills you.
They will be some of the best friends you've ever had, I promise you. And though only you can face them, you will never be alone. So many would be there to help.
All you've ever had to do was ask.