Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Must...try...to...breathe...aka Manhunters

This week, it's "Manhunters: Meet the Gigolo".

Clare and I haven't stopped laughing and squirming yet, and it's 23 minutes in. My chest hurts.

Since my computer was on (obviously), we decided to check out the male escort site that hired the Italian, Rico, who had come to London from Milan, hoping to see if we could find someone we'd put our money together and hire for the 'boyfriend' experience.

As we scrolled through, we discovered a couple of interesting things. For example, we're both traditionalists when it comes to men's hair - we prefer short back and sides. I wouldn't have thought she was, and I thought I was over my traditional male hair phase - I thought I was a bit more open than that.

And I have to confess, to my shame, ZZ Top is describing me when they sing:

Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don't know where I am going to.
Silk suit, black tie,
I don't need a reason why.
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
Coz every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

Gold watch, diamond ring,
I ain't missin' a single thing.
Cufflinks, stick pin,
When I step out, I'm gonna do you in.

When I was young(er), I always swore he'd have to be a man in a suit. Again, I thought I'd outgrown that...but if I examine it more closely, that particular 'requirement', as it were, has changed. Now, if you do understated elegance - lose the diamond ring, show me 1/4-1/2 inch of cuff, wear *real* cologne (e.g., Trumper's Sandalwood rather than Lynx) - you ARE going to do me in: my head will turn so fast, I'll get whiplash. It's not the money; it's the...self-assurance, the alpha-maleness that often comes with it. There's nothing as sexy as a man who knows who he is and isn't afraid to be that person. And yes, I'm aware that there's an irony in saying that about what's essentially a uniform, but it's HOW it's worn that matters - you can tell by his bearing, by how he moves. It's only truly sexy if a man wears it like it's his second skin. If he's just trying to ape the image, it's as unsexy as it gets. That's true about anything.

Therein lies the rub (*snort*, hahahaha) with these male escorts - they're flashy, insecure and just...slimy. Honestly? Because they're set up by men, they're far better as *gay* sites, because these men are setting up sites for what they want. Women don't want (to quote one of the sites) a 'dildo on legs'. I, like most other women, will stick to the Rabbit, thanks.

To be honest, this is really beginning to sound like a lot of male projection to me. Let's take a look at part of Rico's personal statement, shall we?

Let him prepare for you every time a different juicy recipe to slowly taste and remember, to enjoy and open your centre of pleasure.

Is he really thinking about my pleasure?

Sounds to me like the most elaborate request for a blow job ever.

Not a single woman I know - I suspect not even Samantha from SATC - would go down after that. We'd all be too busy collapsed in a heap of giggles on the bed or the floor.

Yeah, this is sounding like a masturbatory (not mutual) exercise.

The conclusion of the presenter that "Women lining up to pay for sex? That sounds like a male fantasy, not a female one"?

Finally, someone on this programme has hit the G-spot.

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