Phew, the title is almost a blog entry in itself!
I love dinner with Martin. We may warm up slowly, but by the main course, we're giggling away - and when the bill arrives, the tables around us have given up any pretence of ignoring our discussion, so I wickedly save the best or most shocking for when my debit card is in the machine.
First, though, the scripture discussion. Martin and I were discussing my lack of faith rather intently, and he said, "You read scripture daily, right?"
I whistled and looked at the ceiling.
Martin laughed and imitated me, saying, "I LOVE this."
"Well, Martin, you have to understand. I WOULD read Scripture daily, but my Bible is holding up a stack of books, and more importantly, my fondue set."
Martin fell out laughing. "It's holding up the unit, is it?"
"Yeah. AND MY FONDUE SET."
"Look, honey, just give me the measurements, and I'll cut a block of wood that are the exact dimensions of your Bible. Then, without anaesthetic, we'll whip it out (by now, *I'M* helpless with laughter) and we'll stick the wooden one in."
I gave in. We continued our animated dinner conversation, with the table next to us paying more and more attention...then whilst I was paying, I pulled out the doozy.
"Oh my God, Martin, I have to share this conversation with you."
"Go on, then."
"This guy was starting off a conversation with that tired old phrase, 'no one is 100% straight or 100% gay.' We know what that usually means, right?"
"So the other guy agrees. Guy #1 asks, 'Have you ever found yourself having occasional sex with other guys?'
"Guy #2: 'Erm, no. What do you mean by 'occasional'?'
Guy #1: Four times this term."
By now, Martin was practically on the floor, the two guys weren't even pretending conversation, and our Indian waitress was so rapt, she nearly forgot to finish the transaction.
I couldn't resist, so I added some commentary:
"Cleopatra, Queen of Denial, you're GAY. God, only a religious conservative could have gay sex every fortnight and be convinced he's straight."
I may be going to Hell, but I'm going Emirates first class - screw the handbasket.