Day Eight: Four things you are terrified of, and four things you desire intensely.
4 things I'm terrified of.
1. An intimate relationship. For years, the thought of one brought on an intense sense of feeling trapped and difficulty breathing. The thought of having to share a room (my parents used to LOVE to 'clean' my room and invade it at all times), having to consider someone else when I wanted to get up and go, having someone else who HAD THE RIGHT TO DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE I WAS...FUCK IT. NO. I would go to my friends to have my parents ring 7 times to find out what we were doing; most of the time I couldn't leave the house. THIS. WAS. NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN. AGAIN. I. WILL. NOT. BE. CONTROLLED.
2. Living an unlived life. Again, see here. I know I've referred back to it before, but it really sums this one up.
3. Selfishness. OMG, I can't even begin to tell you how terrified I am of this one, of being a raging narcissistic beast who walks over anything and everything, who uses others as commodities to get what she 'wants'. The horror of it; the knowledge of the damage it causes...*shudder*
4. Dying without anyone noticing that I'm missing. This has a lot to do with a fear of not being important enough to someone for anyone to notice that I'm not there.
4 things I desire intensely
1. An intimate relationship. To be THE person in someone else's life and have them be the same in mine. The deep connection, the joint history built of ordinary and extraordinary moments - some difficult, some joyous, many of intimacy, just about the two of us - the emotional, physical and spiritual closeness. The little touches and looks. Nestling. Talking about everything. Witnessing each other's lives. Raising children. A shared vocation. Passion on all levels - real passion, not a flare, but a lasting fire - sometimes an inferno, sometimes banked.
Love shared in the deepest way possible in true union of body, heart and soul.
2. To make a real difference in people's lives, and thus, in the world. I know I want to do it big, working with people at the edge, working in some of the darkest places...but I'd be happy to do it in a quiet little corner of the world.
3. Deep connection in all my relationships. Truth, honesty, love - even when my heart breaks because of it, this.
4. Unfolding completely into the person I am meant to be and being able to always work from that wild space. Love, compassion, extending my talents to their fullest...flying, running at full stretch - then resting at full stretch. I want to be an alpha female in a wolfpack: at one with her alpha male, sometimes hunting, sometimes still and listening, sometimes playing...and rather often, nipping cubs' ears or picking them up by the scruff of the neck and moving them when they play too roughly, then lazily watching them again.
Home. That's what it's all about...coming home.