I've had reason to think about this lately - if I were on my deathbed, what would I look back and wished that I had been or done or had? Here's a partial list:
1. A childhood - a carefree childhood in which I had just been allowed to be, allowed to play
2. A close immediate family of origin - I would have loved to have had parents that I could have been close to, told everything to, been friends with, trusted - parents I could have been loved by.
3. A crazy adolescence - one where I'd gone clubbing, drank, gone out with my friends, had all the crazy teenage pics so many of my friends have (including the bad hair and fashion choices and stupid moments in heels with my arms around friends)
4. Finding my style - I wish I'd had enough confidence, enough wherewithal to experiment and discover my style, instead of sticking with the practical. I still can, of course, but I wish I'd started playing at 18...
5. Play - That last one reminded me of something I didn't learn to do young and still feel very bad at - play. Just let go and play...
6. Loving and being loved - I have the best friends in the world, but I've always known deep down that I want to be in a deeply loving, intimate relationship. One of my uni friends said, "You're made to go through the world two by two." She knew I was fiercely independent, but she also recognised a deep truth about me - that I work better in close partnership. Never having a man with whom I'm intimately bonded for life - emotionally, spiritually, physically - would probably be my deepest sense of loss along with my not having...
7. Children - I've known since I was a young child that being a mother was part of my vocation. Mothering my friends is great, mothering their little ones is great, don't get me wrong - but I want my own, deeply and fiercely.
Now over to you: what is it that you want, hope, desire to be, have, do? Nothing is too small or too great. Put your answers in comments, and flesh them out if you want: see, feel, hear - give it texture; make it real. Put it out there and start to make it real - and if you want, put down the first step you'd be willing to take towards it.
As for me, it's time to find myself some 40s-style clothing and get a haircut.
Then, I'm going out to play.
2 comments:
OK, Twin, most of your list could be mine, as you already know.
What else?
I want to write and have my words be inspiring to others.
I want to sing - in public!
I want to laugh more and angst less.
I want a tribe that I belong to.
I want work that fulfills and feeds me while serving others.
I want to live an authentic life - fully me, fully alive, fully real.
I want to express my creativity without fear.
I want to claim and accept all of me - the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I want a soulmate and partner that will love me and accept me as wholeheartedly as I will love and accept her.
I want to dance.
Much of childhood was good, but there are a few gaps...
1. I wish I'd been brought up left handed, which is what should have happened...maybe I would not have been or felt so clumsy if that had happened etc etc
2. To have learnt that exercise can be fun would have been helpful - dancing for 2-3 hours non stop at the age of 21 was not exercise, or so I thought, because I was enjoying myself!!!
3. To have been to a school that was not quite so far gone on sports!
4. To have learnt to trust more - even now I find it very difficult to trust most people whom I know.
That's for starters. I daresay I can think of a few more ideas in time...
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