Sunday, 25 May 2008

Reason #862...

...not to allow Ruth and me to sit together during mass.

Ok, maybe 863 and 864 as well.

I only went to mass last night because I had to read, which went smoothly enough until I discovered the 4 page sequence in small print after the second reading. I looked over at Fr Richard Nixon (not his real name, just the ex-president's doppleganger) like 'you're joking, right?' and he mouthed over, 'Just the Alleluia', which I found (after flipping another damn page) and read.

Ruth was laughing like a drain when I came down and, accurately imitating my expression
as Fr Nixon began the gospel reading, said, "I saw you say 'what the fuck'."

As he reached, "The Gospel according to...", I said, "Oh my god, did you hear me over the mike or did you lipread me (Ruth is a disability librarian)?"

She laughed even harder. "I lipread you."

Then, of course, there was the general naughtiness during the homily.

Finally, (and this was what I was thinking of as reason #862) there was the deacon's incredibly assured and graceful genuflection before the tabernacle whilst carrying the cruets in one hand and something else in the other. Yes, every deacon/priest genuflects when they do that, but he didn't even stop moving. As Ruth said, "THAT was really, really good. That is NOT easy."

I replied, still kneeling post-communion: "He is, isn't he? By the way, you ought to see him in trousers. He's got a really great a..."

Ruth, kneeling and hands folded: "Oh yeah, I can tell."

Ready or not, Hell, here we come...


Ariel said...

Ah, you guys. I love it.

(For the record, if the deacon you're referring to is the one I think you're referring to, I'm totally in agreement about the qualities of his posterior...)


Irim said...

Oh, yes, a posterior you can bounce quarters off of...

Yes, I'm talking about 'broad shoulders to narrow hips' deacon. Marvelous.


Anonymous said...

Funniest thing I've seen in Mass for a long time..... not the Deacon's whatchamecallit ... nor the Priest's sermon, I mean Irim's face and just that she managed to say what she said without saying it out loud... oh man, you know if I went to Mass with you more often they'd not just give us glares, we'd get barred!!

Reiza said...

lol. I think you and I would have fun together.

I went to Catholic school when I was younger and sang in the choir and often had roles in masses (Yes, I realize how hysterical that is looking back).

I may have already shared this story because I do so love it, but I'll share again.

Once, when I was about 11, at the crowning, my friend and I sang in the choir and screwed up the songs. The line was something like, "G-d bless people everywhere. G-d bless people who really care. They let their love shine through."

My friend and I sang (out loud), "G-d bless people everywhere. G-d bless people who have no hair. They let their heads shine through."

Another time, I had some reading, but not enough of a reading to seat me on the altar (which is not a bima no matter how many times I slip up and try to refer to it as such), so I was in the front row as was my then best friend (BAD idea. It sounds like we were much like you). It was some holiday season (Easter, maybe), so the altar was covered in flowers. My best friend and I insisted on singing, "Welcome To the Jungle" repeatedly. We tried to work it into every single song we had to sing that day.

Maybe you had to be there, but we found it so hysterical that we got a "Talking to," from whatever nun happened to be sitting a few rows behind us.

Anonymous said...

But I didn't think Greg had been made a deacon yet...?

Irim said...

*Wicked grin*

Much as I adore him, it wasn't the most lovely Saffa Greg, who IS a deacon. (You're not thinking Greg Murphy at BF are you?)

Reiza, we so need to sit down for a frappuccino. Years ago, when I was converting, I was sitting in the front row of church with my sponsor, waiting for some kind of minor blessing/ceremony after the sermon...

...which happened to be (unusually for Fr Mike) hellfire and brimstone. I turned to Anni and drily commented, "Thank you, Cotton Mather," which set her of into such fits of giggles, she bent over double. I told her to stop laughing, which made it even worse and got ME started.

Yeah, front row centre.

Later, Anni's mum said, "I was SO EMBARRASSED, I wanted to poke the pair of you in the back with an umbrella!" whilst her dad grinned knowingly at us.


Anonymous said...

OK, gonna have to check out Greg's (*not* Murphy's!) next time at Horroratory!