...not to allow Ruth and me to sit together during mass.
Ok, maybe 863 and 864 as well.
I only went to mass last night because I had to read, which went smoothly enough until I discovered the 4 page sequence in small print after the second reading. I looked over at Fr Richard Nixon (not his real name, just the ex-president's doppleganger) like 'you're joking, right?' and he mouthed over, 'Just the Alleluia', which I found (after flipping another damn page) and read.
Ruth was laughing like a drain when I came down and, accurately imitating my expression as Fr Nixon began the gospel reading, said, "I saw you say 'what the fuck'."
As he reached, "The Gospel according to...", I said, "Oh my god, did you hear me over the mike or did you lipread me (Ruth is a disability librarian)?"
She laughed even harder. "I lipread you."
Then, of course, there was the general naughtiness during the homily.
Finally, (and this was what I was thinking of as reason #862) there was the deacon's incredibly assured and graceful genuflection before the tabernacle whilst carrying the cruets in one hand and something else in the other. Yes, every deacon/priest genuflects when they do that, but he didn't even stop moving. As Ruth said, "THAT was really, really good. That is NOT easy."
I replied, still kneeling post-communion: "He is, isn't he? By the way, you ought to see him in trousers. He's got a really great a..."
Ruth, kneeling and hands folded: "Oh yeah, I can tell."
Ready or not, Hell, here we come...