Deleted: unread

What most people don't know is that because we had problems last year, I've set my work email to send 'read' receipts. Not as obvious as it sounds, since the person has to agree to send it. That means that what I know about email I send from work falls into 3 categories:

1. Email that has been read and I know it has been read.

2. Email that has been read or at least briefly scanned before deletion, but I don't have a receipt.

3. Email has been deleted: unread.

How do I know #3? Because when I require a 'read' receipt, I automatically get a 'Deleted: unread' receipt.

I rarely get them - the vast majority of what I send is individual, and the group emails I send tend to be reasonably important. Even so, I absolutely expect to get a number of those - from supervisors, students, etc. I don't bat an eyelid and I don't take it personally.

Until this weekend, when I got *2* - from a good friend, when the subject lines were pretty clearly not mass emailings.

The sense of rage and betrayal took me by surprise. I let them know I knew, but I sat on how I felt - which may seem surprising, but if folks look closely, you'll notice that I actually only go off on big things in public: Church, politics, sermons - anything I deem to be in the public domain, unjust or intolerant, or an 'I'm generally overwhelmed' vent.

So - rage and betrayal. To quote myself in a therapy session, 'Let's explore that, shall we?'

Why the anger and betrayal?

People have the absolute right to do what they want with their email. It's their email, right? So big deal. I got an email of mine deleted by a friend. Boo fucking hoo.

Here's why it's a big deal for me: deleting an email without so much as opening it is a dismissal. It is, quite literally, saying, 'This is trash; I'm not even going to take the time to look at it.' I only ever delete things without reading them if I know they're spam.

If a friend's name is attached to them, no matter how crazy they're driving me, even if it says 'chain letter' in the subject line, whatever - unless I know for sure it's a virus email or the friend has specifically asked me to delete without reading - there is not even an iota of doubt that I will open that email

S/he is my friend, and no matter what, I will hear them. That is one of the most basic tenets of friendship.

Opening an email and at least briefly scanning it before deleting, no matter how busy you are, is about valuing the person who sent it. It doesn't matter if you think, 'Oh, G-d, what are they angry/upset about NOW?' (Maybe it's time to ask them what's driving the anger and listen, especially if there's a particular target?) or 'Not another forward, I don't need that now!' - opening it matters.

I suspect it's a particular bugbear for me because I write. I'm far more adept at expressing deep emotions in writing; I find it much harder in speech. It is the very rare person I can go up to and lean my head against their shoulder and not speak when I'm stressed beyond measure; otherwise, it's all in writing: text, email, letter, whatever.

So what I write matters. What any of your friends writes to you matters.

Now that doesn't mean I expect immediate responses - or even responses - to everything. Some things don't lend themselves to that. What I do expect, and have the right to expect, as your friend, is that you will read what I have to say and take the time to make that judgment.

The rules aren't hard and fast - a friend and I are currently in the midst of an intense conversation that has been on ice for about 3 weeks because she's had a PhD defence and needs to submit. We've had desultory IM chats and other, less demanding conversations in between, but neither of us is bothered about the hiatus because that's how we work. We know we'll get back to it when we're ready. Oddly, I'm far easier with a long lull in the middle of a conversation than an initial silence, perhaps because I've already read the other person (pun intended) and it's easier to jog them and go, 'Hey, I don't think we were finished here. Do you mind if we pick it up again?'

And I'm not perfect either, nowhere near. But I DO have a set of principles I try to abide by, and here they are:

1. If a friend sent it, I will always read it and evaluate how to respond.

2. If a question is asked or a request is made, I will respond either with 'Yes,' 'No,' 'Let me think about it,' - usually with considerable elaboration.

3. Jokes, 'I'm here, on my way,' etc. may or may not get a response.

4. The more emotionally intense/wound up the email/text/whatever, the more immediate my response, because the more it is needed. Some things I'd prefer to do in person, and I'll say that, but in most cases, it's just not possible. So I'll write - even if just to say, 'Got this, will get to it asap, KICK MY ASS if I don't, b/c I'm so busy and you might slip off the front page of emails.'

5. Listen. I've had some huge rows via email, really heartfelt, down in the mud, knock down, drag out, 'This is how I feel about what's happened' exchanges. And there have been long lulls in the middle of some of those exchanges. But 9 times out of 10, the friendship has become far closer. And the 10th time? It's told me the truth of who the other person is, what they can/cannot handle, and moved them to the outer circles, where they belong.

As Traci once said, 'You're about intimacy and deep connection,' which means it's going to get intense, in good ways and bad. Not everyone wants that from a friendship, and that's fine. But because it's where I am, then, for both our sakes, those that aren't need to be further out, where we're both comfortable.

Those are my principles. Within that, everything is flexible and based on context, because every relationship is different. The desire for, and the concept of, connection may be universal, but each connection is unique.

So, what do I ask in return when I send an email? I know not all of my friends are writers, and in fact, I know some absolutely can't abide dealing with the big stuff in writing. No biggy. You are where you are, but:

1. At least open it and scan it. Then decide if you want to chuck it.

2. Listen, even if you have to take a deep breath and it isn't easy. Bugs you? TELL ME. I get the feeling that some friends feel that if they leave it long enough, we'll both have forgotten about it and everything will be ok. No. Even if it is for a while, it's going to come back up in another form. Let's deal now.

3. If we're close enough that I'm emailing you when I'm stressed, depressed, tired, angry (about personal stuff), freaked out - please acknowledge the email. I've never understood why people freak out when I get upset, and hope that if they just ignore it, it'll go away, I'll be fine and phew, they don't have to deal with it. You may not want to deal with it in writing. You may not know what to say. That's ok. But connect with me. If you can't even bear to write, 'I don't know what to say,' or 'I'd rather talk about this,' then the next time you see me, acknowledge it. Let me know that how I'm feeling matters to you. If I've let you in that far, let me know that you can hold that space; that I'm safe with you.

4. If I ask you a question or ask you for something, please respond, even if only briefly. 'Yes,' 'No,' 'Let me think about it,' 'I'm not comfortable with that,' 'Give me a few, freakishly busy,' are all absolutely fine. I just need to know.

Within that, I'm flexible.

It's so easy to just delete emails: the person isn't in front of us, most of the time we don't get receipts, and we're all overwhelmed with the number we get - work, corporate, advertising, friends, spam - every day. We feel plugged in all the time - and we are, what with mobiles, laptops, desktops, Crackberries - but connection is about what - and who - is important. And it doesn't mean emails that are pages long. It can be as simple as, 'I hear you.' I've gotten emails that simply say, '*HUGS*' - and that's enough. There will be time enough for words, but it is the reaching out, the connection, the 'Hey, I'm here,' that matters.

Typing in a quick sentence or a word of comfort or 'I'll be on top of that as soon as I can,' doesn't take more time than it takes to delete 5 Groupon emails. But the difference it makes is immense.

Don't just plug in, connect. And save 'Deleted: unread' for those Jehovah's Witness and 'Hi, my name is X from Y, could you send me your entire bank account' emails.

Those you care about deserve a 'read letter' day.

Talk given at Church of England Diocesan Interfaith Advisors Conference, 16/3/11

Reflections on Caring for Converts

I first came across the Guidelines for the Care of Converts when I had the immense pleasure of meeting Dr Wharton and Guy (Wilkinson) last November.

"'Caring for converts?' I thought. 'Concept!'" An obvious one, once you think about it, but it doesn't seem to be thought about often.

Why is that? One of the first things that came to mind was a quote from the leader of a workshop I attended recently: "There is no object, there is only process." The reason we don't consider care for converts very often is that we see the conversion as an object, the finishing line - in the same way we see a funeral as the end of our need to support the bereaved - in both cases, we see it as time for them to move forward on their own.

But we forget that conversion - like grief - is a process, not an object. Conversion, true conversion, does not end at baptism and welcome into the Church. Conversion is a person living a story making a journey of faith. Nor is the new convert alone in this - we are all in the process of conversion, of taking steps on our spiritual journey every day, whether or not we attend church, read the Bible or meet for fellowship. How we treat the harried salesclerk, the hapless waiter, those with whom we share our lives, are all part of our conversion. To quote Kahlil Gibran, "Your daily life is your temple and your religion."

So what does this mean for the guidelines I received from Kate last month? I believe it means that we start these guidelines from the underpinning principle that we are supporting a process rather than achieving a goal - which means we may approach it from a different angle, use different language and so on. The tension - and possibly, the paradox - here is that as we support the process and draw up the guidelines to do so, we cannot predict how the process will unfold.

Well, that's all nice and woolly as a flock of sheep, isn't it? So how does that translate? When I first read the guidelines, I really felt for Kate. I could sense her overwhelm and how much she felt she had to try to do. I wondered if what might be needed was a step further back to ask the questions 'What are we trying to do?' 'How are we trying to do it?' - to give a thread which will help create a coherent whole. We need to define what we mean by conversion, support and care.

Here were some ideas I had along the way:

1. We are supporting a process, and not a natural one, at that. It is one which begins with a huge change/rupture for the convert, which will require specialised support: possibly of those who've been there, those from their own background, but equally likely, specialised psychological support.

2. The question we must always ask as we draw this up/work with converts: "For whom are we doing this?" It is very easy to see the convert as a point on the religious scoreboard or to get invested in their journey and think it is ours. It is very easy to lose sight of the fact that we are walking with someone on THEIR spiritual journey, not forcing them on a path that we feel they should follow. Rachel Remen's differentiation between attachment - which leads to imprisonment - and commitment - which leads to freedom - is helpful here. We may be COMMITTED to the convert's spiritual journey. We may NOT be ATTACHED to how that journey unfolds. Every time we answer that question, the answer must truly be, "For the convert, to support their journey to God."

How do we do that? Tom (the previous speaker) brought in Transactional Analysis; I'm going to mention Carl Rogers, whose core conditions of unconditional positive regard, empathy and congruence are essential here. No matter how the convert may act out - and they will - or what they say, it must be welcomed with love, understanding and honesty.

3. ASK them what they need. Let them lead and take responsibility, for it is only in doing so that they can make the faith their own and come to maturity.

4. Relationship. The Christian God, a Trinity, lives in eternal relationship of love, hospitality and self-knowledge. We've touched on the first two, but the third is very important: we must always be aware of what's happening with us, and not put it on the convert. If we get very angry or upset, we need to stop and reflect and think about how much is about the situation and how much is about us.

Conversion takes place in relationship, and it may be a good idea for the guidelines to consider what a healthy relationship looks like.

5. DON'T PIGEONHOLE. We can draw common themes or make guesses - but don't assume. Listen to their story. Remember that those who tend to be happy in the culture/family they're living in probably AREN'T GOING TO CONVERT - if they're comfortable, they're not going to ask the questions necessary for change.

Don't assume people want family connection - I didn't.

It's good to have an outline of what we know about various cultures - South Asian, Iranian, North African, etc. - but remember that within those communities, people have unique experiences. Don't immediately shower them with people who share their ethnicity - they may recoil. I would have told you where to go, how to get there, and given extremely detailed directions. Sometimes people don't want family - sometimes they need a monastic or desert experience to heal from their family.

6. Support is not always warm and fuzzy, sometimes it's confrontation in the desert. We've talked about God living in an eternal relationship of love, but let's not forget that the Father sent His Son to die and that the Son asked for the chalice to be removed from him and that at the end, He asked, 'Father, why hast thou forsaken me?'

Appropriate challenge and conflict do not rupture, on the contrary, they drive intimacy deeper.

One of my favourite forms of support is that of the rabbi who turns away the convert twice before accepting her. In that way, he is more certain of her sincerity and motivation. I often worry that we as Christians grasp: we grasp as soon as someone is thinking of converting; grasp to hold someone in 'our' church; grasp to force them onto a path that looks like one we recognise. The problem with grasping is that it is about fear, and fear drives out love, which is the ONLY way to support a convert's journey.

By leaving room for the Holy Spirit, by creating space through challenge - even though we LOVE that they are throwing themselves into our church activities and slagging off their old religion - we allow for healthy growth. If we say 'no' to a potential convert because we sense that their desire to convert is not about God, but about getting back at family/renouncing their heritage, we allow space for a TRUE 'yes' - in God's time, not ours. Those of you who have read The Shack will remember Sarayu's love of fractals and wild growth - and her tendency to put them everywhere. In my experience, the Holy Spirit rarely works in a straight line.

So, to close - where to go for these guidelines to make them generally helpful, but not specifically stifling? At the beginning, definitions and principles need to be made explicit: conversion, care, support, process, relationship: getting the underpinnings right will get the details right.

Then draw them out by asking questions: what does a healthy sponsor/convert relationship look like? What possible forms could it take? When do we worry? When do we say 'no'? How do we respond? How do we challenge? What does care look like? What resources do we have?

I almost feel that these guidelines - like my talk - need to be a book: Converts' stories, principles drawn, good practice, FAQs, resources. But that's just me. Somehow we need to offer concrete help without dictating how all journeys must unfold: and I suspect the way to do that is to draw from experience to offer ways forward, and seeing the theology emerge from the experience rather than having the theology drive the experience. Yet we must always remember that, as we draw from experience, we must respond in the moment: for our God is not 'I was' nor 'I will be', but I AM.

On being called ma'am

I hate it. I can tolerate it from those younger than me, but when it comes from those older than me, it's so physically repellent I want to throw up.

In this case, it has to do with a student who's older than me doing it.

Walking home from the bus stop, I remembered why it's so visceral. I used to joke about it making me feel old, but I always knew that wasn't it. Suddenly, today, I had this image of being in Pakistan and being about 9 or so, and having my relatives' servants call me 'baji' - same kind of respect as 'ma'am'...and feeling deeply, deeply uncomfortable with it. Even then I thought, 'This is so wrong. I'm a KID. Just because I was born into a family with more, YOU - YOU, who know more about life than I do, who have had a hard life, who works so hard - YOU have to call me 'baji'? I don't think so.'

The most fun I ever had in Pak, outside of time with my cousins, was with the servants. They read our palms, they babysat us, they gossiped, they loved us when we sat in the kitchen, they told stories, kept our secrets. They were REAL, and often happy in a way other adults weren't. I ADORED them and felt so guilty when they did stuff for me.

More times than I want to remember, one of my aunts or uncles would yell at them for the smallest infraction, because dinner wasn't ready fast enough or because they were taking out their frustrations on them. I might have spoken up, on occasion, saying that it wasn't their fault - and sometimes, if I wasn't dragged off, I'd stay and comfort one of the younger women if she was crying after being yelled at. That made me feel worse about going up to them and asking for something to hear 'Gee, baji?' From an ADULT to a CHILD. So wrong.

People would say it's an appropriate mark of respect. Respect? For a *9* year old? What fucking respect had I earned by being middle class? Exactly NONE. 'Sufi', 'Hajji', titles that are earned for some achievement or mark of character, ok. Otherwise? No.

And I feel the same way about priests. You get the respect of your office when I respect the man you are. Character gets respect. Titles aren't worth the graphite a pencil uses to write them.

This student calling me that? NO. No. He's older than I am, wiser than I am, a better person than I am, has done so much in his life. IF there's inequality here, it goes the other way.

In the end, that's really the crux of it: it creates barriers between people. It gets in the way of talking to you, finding out who you are, genuine meeting.

And taking the time to listen and spend time? Now THAT is real respect.

8 Days. Day 8.

Day Eight: Four things you are terrified of, and four things you desire intensely.

4 things I'm terrified of.

1. An intimate relationship. For years, the thought of one brought on an intense sense of feeling trapped and difficulty breathing. The thought of having to share a room (my parents used to LOVE to 'clean' my room and invade it at all times), having to consider someone else when I wanted to get up and go, having someone else who HAD THE RIGHT TO DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE I WAS...FUCK IT. NO. I would go to my friends to have my parents ring 7 times to find out what we were doing; most of the time I couldn't leave the house. THIS. WAS. NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN. AGAIN. I. WILL. NOT. BE. CONTROLLED.

2. Living an unlived life. Again, see here. I know I've referred back to it before, but it really sums this one up.

3. Selfishness. OMG, I can't even begin to tell you how terrified I am of this one, of being a raging narcissistic beast who walks over anything and everything, who uses others as commodities to get what she 'wants'. The horror of it; the knowledge of the damage it causes...*shudder*

4. Dying without anyone noticing that I'm missing. This has a lot to do with a fear of not being important enough to someone for anyone to notice that I'm not there.

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4 things I desire intensely

1. An intimate relationship. To be THE person in someone else's life and have them be the same in mine. The deep connection, the joint history built of ordinary and extraordinary moments - some difficult, some joyous, many of intimacy, just about the two of us - the emotional, physical and spiritual closeness. The little touches and looks. Nestling. Talking about everything. Witnessing each other's lives. Raising children. A shared vocation. Passion on all levels - real passion, not a flare, but a lasting fire - sometimes an inferno, sometimes banked.

Love shared in the deepest way possible in true union of body, heart and soul.

2. To make a real difference in people's lives, and thus, in the world. I know I want to do it big, working with people at the edge, working in some of the darkest places...but I'd be happy to do it in a quiet little corner of the world.

3. Deep connection in all my relationships. Truth, honesty, love - even when my heart breaks because of it, this.

4. Unfolding completely into the person I am meant to be and being able to always work from that wild space. Love, compassion, extending my talents to their fullest...flying, running at full stretch - then resting at full stretch. I want to be an alpha female in a wolfpack: at one with her alpha male, sometimes hunting, sometimes still and listening, sometimes playing...and rather often, nipping cubs' ears or picking them up by the scruff of the neck and moving them when they play too roughly, then lazily watching them again.

Home. That's what it's all about...coming home.

8 Days. Day 7.

Day Seven: The four most important things someone has said to you, and the four most damaging things someone has said to you

The 4 most important things.

1. I was talking to X [another teacher] and we think you have a huge, unexplored verbal talent. --Jean Hill, my Western Civ/American History AP teacher, senior year of high school

I adored Ms Hill. She kind of scared me in 7th grade, when she was all spiky, but when I ended up sitting next to her in my Western Civ class (she had a circle) and discovered we had similar dry senses of humour, we really clicked. I even rode down to the senior retreat with her and visited her daughter, Julie, when she was in Lower School.

It was, in fact, the day of the senior retreat that she said this to me. She'd pulled me into her office to find out why I wasn't going, and somehow, this came up as we talked about my parents and their expectations. I said something disparaging about my talent, and she responded with this and suggested that perhaps I shouldn't take them at their word when they said all I could do was maths and science.

It was too late for high school, of course, but not for university and beyond. Every humanities course I took, I got an 'A' in. And I learned that I love writing and am a pretty damn good editor.

Ms. H - as usual, you were right.

2. You were meant to go through the world two by two/You'll be a wonderful partner to some very lucky man/etc. --Various friends

I know that one of the reasons I never paired up - and only have the odd partner - is because of how trapped I felt in my family and how desperately unhappy my parents' marriage was. I was about 13 before I worked out that people married because, well, you know, they actually WANTED to. I still have a hard time with that, having known any number of dysfunctional couples who settled because they were afraid of being alone, or because their dysfunctions/wounds fit each other like an enzyme-substrate induced fit (look it up). Despite all the wonderful couples I know, these stick with me, as they elicit the claustrophobic near-panic feeling that I lived with growing up.

But another big part of it is this fear that I would be a horrible partner. Needy, clingy, sucking the other person dry. I'm terrified of this, even though it's not generally how I am in friendships, though I tend to feel that I am in close ones, where I'm more vulnerable. Every time, I think, 'OH CRAP, here I go again, they're going to think I'm completely devoid of humour, needy, too intense, clingy, OMG!!!!' So I pull back, but then, b/c they're close friends, need to talk to them again. Gah.

These quotes, from those who don't live in my crazy head, give me hope. Hope that they see me more clearly and that they are right. The fact that there are numerous versions of that quote over the years makes me hope that maybe they're onto something.

3. I want you/you're beautiful/If I were...

I'm used to being needed. Used to being liked for my humour. The fact that I'm capable. That I can listen. That I'll know what you need before you do. Those sorts of things.

But being desired, having someone think, 'God, you're gorgeous,' just WANTING me without wanting something FROM me...that's amazing. And far too rare. Thank you. You folks know who you are.


4. I love you to bits. I don't want you to change at all/Lose the edge, but not the passion?/Or not even lose the edge. --A close male friend, 20/2/10

I nearly cried.

The background: I had been a bitch. Not to him directly, but it mattered, and that's all you need to know. We'd touched on it a bit in writing, but it was this evening that the real work was done: this evening that we had the heart-to-heart where we spared each other nothing, where we were heart-achingly honest, this evening in our friendship where we knew we could be real with the other and we were absolutely safe.

I had been talking about how I felt hemmed in by all these people who seem to want all these bits of me that they really like, because they're useful to them, but they want X to change so they're more comfortable with who I am; something that makes me less wild.

And he just burst out with that.

I froze and stared at him, trying to read him, looking for the lie, for the reason to doubt him.

There was none.

The continuation of the exchange confirmed that, as has his behaviour - before and since. There is almost no one else with whom I feel so free to be myself, to just let go and be difficult, uncertain, dark me as well as competent, caring, funny, witty me. I do worry that I lean on him too much, because I know I can bring anything to him and I'm safe, but I also trust that he will TELL ME if I am leaning too hard. (Hint hint - you will be reading this, b/c I'm telling you about it :-).)

There aren't words to thank him for what he said that night and the support he's been through our friendship - laughter, listening, joint human observation ('Bossy girlfriend'/'OMG, that's a GUY? I thought it was a girl!'), just talking about anything and everything. AND he gets my idiolect.

I know how blessed I am to count him amongst my circle of friends.

Oh, he cheeks me and is as stubborn as I am - so voices will rise and gestures will fly - but I would trust him with my life. More importantly, I would trust him with the life of a child.

And yes, you, this was a chance to let you know how much this spontaneous comment of yours meant and to say 'thank you for being you' as much as anything else. Because even though I AM going to have to whack you with my cane more than once, our friendship is - to quote a Mastercard advert - priceless.

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1. It's not important; it doesn't matter. --My father

This is what my father said when I told him his brother had sexually abused me.

2. Talk to me, I'm your mother. I won't tell Daddy [sic].

The evening chats when she wanted me to sit at the foot of her bed and have a cosy 'mother-daughter' chat where we shared our confidences. She told me how awful my father was, which made me open up and share how I was feeling. I should have known better: she never offered comfort, only asked more questions. I knew her well enough, that should have told me she was digging for information - but every time, I was stupid enough to assume she cared. That she was interested in my life.

Stupid me.

And yes, she always told 'Daddy', and it always came back to bite me on the ass.

And I was always stupid enough to trust her again.

3. You're flat. --Mr Wilson, 7th grade music teacher and choir director

That was in choir, and he wasn't one for teaching technique. He'd put me with the sops. *Waits for her friends to quit laughing*

From that day to this, I won't sing so I can be heard, even though, far more recently, I was told by another music teacher that I had a gorgeous speaking voice and she suspects that I CAN sing.

4. ""

All those things that I needed to hear, that people assumed I knew about how they felt about me, and were never said.

8 Days. Day 6.

Day Six: Four things you are grateful for, and four things you want to change about your life.

1. My friends. They are my family: brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers and have given me heart-children. They have been my strength and that which has pulled me out during the darkest of times.

2. The way I think. I love being an NF, big picture, pattern person with a huge imagination. LOVE IT.

3. My passion. It may hurt like hell sometimes, but I'd rather that than flatline. It gives the world such shades of colour, Crayola and Technicolour couldn't touch it.

4. Being able to see beauty in the universe and the part of me that senses and reaches out for something larger than we are. The stars, galaxies, God, the underlying pattern to it all. I suspect it's that which drives my sense of service, which would have been #5.

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1. I want to be more in touch with my sensuality. Via clothing, what I surround myself with, feeling more comfortable in me. I've become very head/emotional/spiritual.

2. How I feel about my body. I've hated it my whole life for various reasons, or seen it as a vehicle for my brain. I need to learn to love it and revel in the physical.

3. I want to be able to let go and let God - to do what I can and trust that I'll step off a cliff and be able to fly.

4. I want to be able to sing. I've loved and dreamt music since I was young, and whilst not many instruments appealed, singing always has. I want to find my voice.

8 Days. Day 5.

Day Five: Four songs from you to yourself, and four songs from you to others

4 Songs from me to myself

1. Evanescence - Bring me to Life - THE song I listen to in my deepest depression. It captures the sense of being frozen, of being lost, of yearning, reaching towards life. The anger, the passion, the searching, the sense of hopelessness, yet deliberation when she lets go...that's me in a dark period.

2. Sarah Brightman - Journey Home - It's a promise from that part of me that knows that there IS a home, a place of sanctuary and rest that I have yet to know, where I am loved and that 'sometimes standing still can be the best move you ever make.'

3. Bette Midler - The Rose - Ever since this came out when I was young, it has been a promise to myself from myself that love will come, and that the times that seem barren hold more promise than they seem...and that I must never be the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

4. Peter Gabriel & Kate Bush - Don't give up - This song always makes me cry. I feel like Peter Gabriel far too often. The deeper part of me is Kate Bush - who somehow always brings the friends in the outside world I need.

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1. Kelly Clarkson - Because of you - To my parents. The lyrics are self-explanatory. Yes, I've come a long way, baby. But there's a long way to go that shouldn't have been necessary. We're not speaking, I hear you say? Because of you.

2. Clarence Clemons/Jackson Brown - You're a friend of mine - To Midnight Sidhe. Because I am the one who always makes you laugh until you cry. And you can depend on me till the day you die.

3. Moody Blues - I know you're out there somewhere - An unwavering statement of faith from me to the man I'm meant to be with, wherever you are.

4. John Farnham - You're the voice - From me to the world:

This time
We know we all stand together
With the power to be powerful
Believing, we can make it better

Oooooooh,
We're all someone's daughter
We're all someone's son
How long can we look at each other
Down the barrel of a gun?

You're the voice, try and understand it
Make a noise and make it clear
Oh-o-o-o, whoa-o-o-o!
We're not gonna sit in silence
We're not gonna live with fear

So let's be the voice.

8 Days. Day 4.

Day Four: Four talents/superpowers you have, and four talents/superpowers you want

1. Counselling/psychotherapy work: People tell me I'm good at this; I'll take them at their word, because I just assume everyone can do what I do. I've done it since I was young - seeing patterns, asking questions, listening. People's stories fascinate me, so I guess that's why I love it so much. Tired as I am before my placement, I always come out energised. What I need to work on is staying behind the client: I have a tendency to jump ahead.

2. Big picture/patterns. I love looking for them and teasing them out. Understanding systems of people - communities, hierarchies, dynamics - is a real strength of mine. Unfortunately, my detail work is less impressive. I'm a big one for principles and proactive problem-solving - give me the nuts and bolts and I'm going to pass out.

3. Losing myself in other worlds/imagination. Have always been able to do this. It makes reading and amusing myself far easier. Possibly writing as well.

4. Associative/Lateral thinking. I LOVED teaching for this reason. If a kid didn't understand? No problem - finding another metaphor or allegory was a challenge. It makes communicating ideas so much fun and a real pleasure - rather than a trial - to discover other ways of doing it.

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4 talents/superpowers I wish I had.

1. Teleportation. There are so many places and friends I want to visit - and I could be there immediately and spend as long as humanly possible with them before coming back.

2. Healing. As per Deryni/Valdemar worlds - able to heal by laying on of hands and infusing energy; both body and mind.

3. Telepathy. To have the intimacy of speaking mind to mind, layering it with emotion and images, to have the deepest of conversations, to bond that way...yes.

4. Manipulation at the subatomic level. With this, you can change the universe.

8 Days. Day 3.

Day Three: The four gods/superheroes you most identify with, and the four you least identify with.

I'm 4 days behind my friend on this, so let's see if I can catch up.

1. Demeter. My maternal instincts can be so powerful, they're archetypal, and Demeter helps me understand them. Also, ashamed as I am to admit it, I withdraw nurturing as a last resort when no one is listening. She needs more balance in my personality.

2. Oya/Persephone. Yoruban goddess of the underworld, wind, fire, lightning and fertility and Queen of Hades, respectively - but ultimately *change* and *transition*, both of which swirl around me so much, I've been jokingly called ta'veren by the odd friend who loves Robert Jordan. Interestingly, *my* life doesn't seem to change much, but those around me do. And the underworld, the psyche, the subconscious and death? MINE. I also love that Persephone can accompany the dead in some versions of the myth - which is what a therapist does with their clients.

3. Angel of Death. I dream about him unsettlingly often; one of the things I'm drawn to in therapy is counselling those who are dying or grieving.

4. Hephaestus. Wounded and imperfect, tossed out of Olympus by his mother in a rage, he became the most incredible craftsman - bad start, abandoned, and out of it he creates unimaginable beauty. True alchemy, and what I would want my life to become.

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4 Gods I least identify with.

1. Zeus. Whiny, immature, unfaithful, unable to lead. A complete dick.

2. Robin. Grow up and get out of Batman's shadow.

3. Hera. Jealous, whimsical and unable to direct her anger where it belongs - at her asshole of a husband. See #1.

4. Mammon. What the Western world, despite its crowing that it follows Judeo-Christian values, serves and values so deeply it has become a slave to it. It's PRINTED PAPER, PEOPLE. It's meant to serve you. FFS. It's just a medium of exchange - use it THAT way or go back to bartering and learn what really matters - love and relationship.

8 Days. Day 2.

The four places you most want to go to, and four things you need in a home.

1. Sub-Saharan Africa. Ever since I was young, I'd always had flashes of myself working there with young children, working at the edge. There's always been a magnetic pull; something to do with vocation. The greatest draw is probably South Africa, the fascination beginning with my elementary school songbook which had 'We're all marching to Pretoria' in it. But the idea of crossing the equator totally freaked me out.

2. From Lahore to Jalandar. The reverse of the trip my parents made during Partition. Just as that border of violence, blood and pain was crossed when their lives of fear, pain and anger began, it needs to be crossed the other way for healing to begin. I want to see where they grew up, where I might have gone as a child had the subcontinent remained undivided. And yes, I want to see India.

3. To an alternate universe where WWI never happened. What we lost in that war was incalculable and arguably, the set up for the 20th century bloodbath that followed. I want to see what happened in the world where the boys who came up to university in 1913 had the same idyllic 3 years that their 1910 predecessors did. What happened to the map? The Bolshevik revolution? What did we create? Who led us?

Did we find our way better than we're finding it now?

4. Space. I've been in love with the stars as long as I can remember. One of the possibilities for my tombstone will be an epitaph on that of two amateur astronomers: '[I] have loved the stars too fondly to be afraid of the night.'

I want to be on the Enterprise - under Picard, not Kirk, please!

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4 things I need in a home

1. Sanctuary. That means unconditional love and acceptance, with the honesty that goes with that. I grew up in a house with way too much subtext, a place I hated to live. I have worked hard to create a home that is an emotional sanctuary, where I'm free to be me. That's not something I'm ever, ever giving up.

2. Open space. I don't have that so much now, but when I CAN, I do want an open plan downstairs as much as possible, high ceilings. I think the need for physical space is a reflection of the need for psychic and emotional space, having been hemmed in by others for so long.

3. Cosiness. They seem diametrically opposed, don't they? I don't think they are - by this I mean stuffed chairs, fluffy throws, things that are comforting and comfortable. Things one revels in running one's fingers through and touching. Luxurious fabrics, plush throws one can wriggle one's toes in, sofas one can sink into, furniture one can cuddle on. I don't do minimalist furniture; I do warm - colours, furnishings, all of it.

This, I think is about the need for intimacy, and 2/3 are a balance for me.

4. LIGHT. Sounds funny from a girl who loves her long evenings and soft indoor lighting, but during the day, I want to capture as much light as possible in the house. Yes, summer evenings ARE too long, but I prefer to move and work by daylight, not artificial light, for as long as possible.

And all this with as many windows as possible overlooking the sea.

Right, off to design it then...right after I win the lottery...

8 Days. Day 1.

Day One. The four funniest things you've ever heard, and the four saddest things you've ever heard.

Now, I can't promise that these are THE four funniest. Suffice it to say, they're at the very least near the top.

1. Hyperbole and a half. Oh. my. god. Just one of the FUNNIEST things ever. I was introduced to it when several friends who have nothing to do with each other posted this entry within minutes of each other. I cried with laughter. But I didn't nearly suffocate, as I did with this one, because that child could be yours truly - and it strikes me that is what really happened with Joseph and Mary and...Kenny Loggins.

This is often so similar to my running commentary in my head, it's uncanny: I wish I could write like this. I'm aware of how serious my writing IS, and would love to move a bit more in this direction.

2. Goodness Gracious Me, especially season 1. I'm an American of Punjabi descent, and these sketches were all written by British of Punjabi descent. Much of it transcends ethnic boundaries and speaks to the immigrant experience generally. Much of it is so Punjabi-specific, it hurts. I could not stop laughing the first time I saw it - and it cut so close to the bone, I was often crying and laughing, it spoke so deeply to me. These people ARE my family.

If there's one sketch EVERYONE has to see, it's this one. Sheer brilliance.

3. LOLcats, Inc. Whoever came up with this was a genius. The entire empire is fabulous. And in a particular context, 'OH HAI!' leaves me on the floor, unable to speak.

4. Facebook threads with good friends, especially K8, LSN and 3C, some of which have run to 100 comments and usually include chicken porn. 'nuff said.

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The 4 saddest things

1. Bill Zeller. I first read his last words 3 weeks ago, and I couldn't breathe, my heart broke over and over. I meant to blog it...but I still can't breathe.

2. A child's cry growing quieter and quieter, till it ends in the whimper when she realises no one is coming. It's why I know that attached parenting is probably closer to my style than Supernanny.

3. Male grief. I can cope with a woman crying, but when a man loses it, so do I. I'm not sure WHY male grief paralyses me: if a woman cries, I can move to comfort her. Men...I don't know. Last year, I said something to a guy friend on IM, and he said, 'Stop it, man, I'll be crying in a minute.' That nearly started me off.

I talked to a friend of mine who is a bereavement counsellor, and he said that in his experience, when men get to the point of crying, it is actually a total collapse, and that's what he thinks I'm sensing - that absolute helplessness that I need to reach for, but can't help. Someone else told me that I lived for so long around my father's unexpressed grief, knowing I couldn't touch it, that any other man's grief feels like a replay. I think there's something of the truth in both.

4. The eyes of those suffering who know it isn't going to get any better. Famine, disease, war, poverty. All those images. Their eyes haunt me every day, and drive me to make a difference, even if it is a small one.

But one day, I want to go out there and be there with them.

8 Days. Meme prologue.

I am nicking this prologue from my friend, word for word.

We recently did a meme and found the experience both intense and incredibly therapeutic; a lot of important stuff got pulled up for both of us, and we were rather sorry to see the end of it. We also felt like there were a few things we'd have liked to see included in the meme that weren't included.

So we decided to make up our own, starting today.

We liked the structural constraints of the original, but of course we didn't want to just copy it, so we used it as the point of departure instead. What we came up with is an eight-days meme with eight items per day on a single topic, but the lists are to be split in half, so that four items explore one aspect of the topic and the other four explore another. Then we tried to arrange the items in increasing order of intensity. It was very much a collaborative effort; I think we each came up with four of the eight days, and we were in complete agreement about how to order them.

The list goes like this:

1. The four funniest things you've ever heard, and the four saddest things you've ever heard
2. The four places you most want to go to, and four things you need at home
3. The four gods/superheroes you most identify with, and the four you least identify with
4. Four talents/superpowers you have, and four talents/superpowers you want
5. Four songs from you to you, and four songs from you to others
6. Four things you are grateful for, and four things you want to change about your life
7. The four most important things someone has said to you, and the four most damaging things someone has said to you
8. Four things you are terrified of, and four things you desire intensely

Day 10. 1 Confession.

I've thought long and hard about this - should it be big? Should it be trivial? Funny? Serious?

In the end, I simply decided that it should be real.

My confession:

I don't want the life I have. If the Angel of Death came down right now and offered me his hand, I would bargain for at least a week to clean up my room, sort out funeral arrangements, burn my half-assed diaries, give away my belongings, and get the hell out. Actually, for a personal reason, I would see if he would let me hang around till after mid-March, then I'd be all his.

Why? Because on most days, my life feels like it has been a complete and utter waste.

Now, before the God or New Age squads start - shut it. Really. Because all you have to offer are platitudes; nothing in your relentlessly 'love and light' worlds, whether Jesus-based or 'suffering is an illusion' or 'life is a gift'-based, helps - at all. Neither does the Wayne Dyer, 'Law of Attraction', CBT 'change your thoughts' New Age shit. None of it. It might change things for a day, or a week, but because it never reaches the depths, the feeling comes rushing back. And whilst it may be factually, Myers-Briggs 'S' true, the practical "It's what you've got, babe," doesn't help either.

Let's be brutally honest: those soothing platitudes are more about you than about the person who's feeling the pain - all parroted rules/thoughts that you mouth at these moments because feelings like this make you panic and you have to push them away: so you're unable to be real, to be with the person in that moment. That is where G-d, Spirit, Source is, not in your precious little 'Jesus loves you'/'Well, change your thoughts and the world will change!' chirpy moments. Keep them away from me, please.

Love from friends? That DOES help, because it's real, because it makes me aware that my life has made a difference to others - because I think loving and being loved is the ONLY reason for being here. Not only that, it's only recently that I've started being able to *feel* love when it is offered. That is always welcome. But though that eases the emptiness and sense of waste, it still hovers in the background, waiting to pounce.

There's only one thing to be done: pull a Pema Chodron and sit with it, breathing deeply, letting it be what it is. Embrace it. Love it.

The first thing that comes up for me is that my life has been 'trivial', and thus has been a failure. I haven't had a major career; I haven't saved lives; I haven't made the world a better place - all of which would have been a way to mitigate, or even nullify, what feels like the biggest failure: not having a husband and children of my own.

*Breathe* Under the surface.

Obviously, I'm not special enough or pretty enough or glamorous enough or sparkly enough or high-maintenance in your face enough or lovable enough to be THE person that is the most important someone in another person's life. The supportive one through various things, maybe, but not THE one.

*Breathe deeply* And again. Further.

I am fucking SICK TO DEATH of being happy for everyone else, watching their lives motor past mine, especially since quite a lot of the time, I don't think they should be marrying whoever it is they're marrying, having children, whatever.

*Breathe* And dive.

I am utterly weary of living my life without integrity, and even more, watching those around me, especially those I love, do the same. Just recently (and repeatedly), I have wanted to grab a close friend and say to him, "LISTEN TO YOURSELF!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING AND *WHY* ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF???" Then I realised that if I did it to him, I would have to do it to myself. I'm utterly tired of remaining silent about practices around me that go so deeply against my values, I feel ill thinking about them. I am utterly weary of knowing what I know about 'pillars of society' that make me barely able to look at them. I am weary of remaining silent to 'protect others'. All I want to do is be real, speak up and let the chips fall where they may.

*Breathe*...and dive

My life is way too small. I need more depth, more challenge, more abundance, more freedom. My life is the life of a survivor. Work is way too small - I find admin soul-deadening; there are so many things I do better. Money is tight. The space I live in is too small. Church/religion is too small, and in some ways, diametrically opposed to my spirituality - I am about relationship; in so many ways, it feels like most religious people are about avoiding it. It's running out of air. The way I'm living my spirituality feels twisted, dislocated.

Deeper.

I can see a young me panicking and thinking, "Nobody loves me!" Even then, I felt like a commodity to be used for other people's needs.

*Deep, deep breath* - and as deep as one can go...

God doesn't love me; God is just using me for His purposes - He doesn't give a fuck about me as long as He gets what He wants out of my life for His precious little pattern. Life is just a vehicle: for parents to have little extensions of themselves and feel grown up; for leaders to use as fodder to further their own ends; for others' needs/pleasure. Fuck it.

God can't be trusted. Life is to be borne. And if you, like my parents, gave me life just to further your own ends/feed your own ego - then you, my Lord, can go fuck yourself. I'm not going to make it easy for you.

And beneath that, a pain beyond words.

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*Eyes snap open in utter shock*

Oh. I had no idea.

But finally, at long last, I'm honest. With myself and with G-d. And it's only from here that healing and real relationship can start.

Because I know, from the preciousness and depth of the close relationships that I do have, which must mirror that first relationship with G-d, that's not true. As I read what's above it, I know those are not true either, not completely - I have examples from my own life and those around me to know that, though feeling it is a different matter.

From this thought - "This is an ordinary moment, and it is totally rocking. I love my peops, where I am and what I'm doing right now, simple as it is" - I know life for the incredible gift that it is.

But that does not invalidate this feeling or make it unworthy of acknowledgment. This pain is part of the whole and worthy of being loved - this pain, like love, is home.

So I turn to the Angel of Death - of whom I will never be afraid, and to whom I will ever be closer to than my own breath - hold him close for a moment, then step away. As I do so, I say:

"No, not yet. Much have I been, but even more have I yet to be and love here. As Gibran said,

Only another breath will I breathe in this still air, only another loving look cast backward,
Then I shall stand among you, a seafarer among seafarers.
And you, vast sea, sleepless mother,
Who alone are peace and freedom to the river and the stream,
Only another winding will this stream make, only another murmur in this glade,
And then shall I come to you, a boundless drop to a boundless ocean.

But another winding has this stream to make - perhaps short, perhaps long, but its journey to the sea must be complete, not cut short. And I will meet you at the ocean's edge when the time comes - not before, my friend."

Death nods his acquiescence, and if it is possible for Death to look happy, he does - and turns away.

And finally, as Paul on the Summer Tree, I understand the meaning of Death's visit and his offer:

And he understood then, finally: understood that it had to be naked, truly so, that one went to the God. It was the Tree, stripping him down, layer by layer, down to what he was hiding from...Naked or not at all, one went to Mornir. And oh, that was too much for them, too hard to be forced to go into the darkest places then, so weak, so impossibly vulnerable.
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But not that night. Because of pride, of pure stubbornness, and because, most surely, of the dog, Paul Schafer found the courage not to turn. Down he went. Arrow of the God. So open the wind could pass, light shine through him. Last door.

And so too, G-d, I choose not to turn - facing you in all my fear, my mistrust, my anger, my vulnerability, my lack of integrity, my certainty that you love me not.

Only this have I left to pray: take me through that last door and bring me into life and love, which alone are real.

Day 9. 2 Images that describe your life right now and why

1. "Eventide" from Digital Blasphemy, one of my favourites. Because the night ocean under a full moon is where I feel like I am right now. Journeying on the waters of the soul with no idea of home, but trusting the light of the soul to lead whilst the psyche rows. Spirit is moving, no doubt, but where it leads, I know not. To quote George Eliot:

"I would not creep along the coast but steer out in mid-sea, by guidance of the stars."

So let the transformation come, and with it, home.

2.

My tattoo - yet another way of taking my body back, but also a symbol of my transformation - it feels like a mark of initiation. I consider the wolf my totem (since my lioness dream, *a* totem, I guess), and the moon, a symbol of my commitment to the intuitive, the depths, the night - the divine feminine. Combined like this...they're me, as well as a symbol of my ability to take action, to commit and a deeper transformation, discussed in depth here.

Day 8. 3 Turn-ons.

I hadn't realised how cathartic and, well, angry yesterday's post would be. It's amazing how things just bubble up in this meme; things I didn't quite expect. It's the same with this one, which is just as intense, but in a different way.

I'm going to try NOT to repeat what I said here, but apologies if I do.

1. Know me so well. Almost nothing turns me on like this. I know the psychologically healthy thing is that I should be able to articulate my feelings at any moment and not expect a man to read my mind, blah blah blah. But there is little sexier than having a man come up and ask 'Are you ok?' or 'What's wrong?' and not take 'No' for an answer, because he knows you. Nothing like him knowing that you need a back rub, a bath drawn, a little bit of room, some pampering, because HE KNOWS YOU. Sometimes better than you know yourself.

And that goes both ways. It's up to you to get to know him so well - and do the same for him.

2. Touch me now. Not tonsil hockey. Not grabbed in a massive hug when I'm not expecting it. But the little touches. The extra squeeze when we hug that makes me stumble slightly and brings me fully against you. Unconsciously rubbing or stroking my back or arm. The touch at the small of the back that says 'Mine.' Brushing me when we pass just because. Being secretly naughty and touching me somewhere that's publicly unremarkable, but privately drives me wild.

This includes all the little established couple touches: hands, knees, hair ruffle, Eskimo kisses, all sorts of kisses (but quick if they're public), leaning up against each other, adjusting clothing, all of it. Sheer, sheer pleasure.

And let's NOT leave out sex - from tender, languorous sex to...well, perhaps not here...

3. Masculinity: Midnight Sidhe and I are unanimous on this. When I mentioned to an acquaintance that I loved it when men were protective, he smugly claimed that he knew that. "Why?" I asked. "Because man-haters like you always do."

I was torn between killing him and laughing at him. I chose to ignore it - clearly, he'll never get to #1 on this list.

I love men; I could watch them all day. From broad shoulder to narrow hip, to how they walk, to their sweet shyness when they don't know what to say when you're upset and give you something to make you feel better. When they're jealous (within normal bounds - abusive and controlling is NOT ok). When they're concentrating, lighting up, thinking...all of it. When they puff out their chest and protect you. Those glances, intense conversations, serious flirting...

...and let's not leave out their aftershaves or their 5 o'clock shadow. And that little bit of chest hair when the top button is opened - or even better, when they look down their shirt for some reason and you can see they have *the perfect amount*. I've been known to have to think, 'FOCUS, Irim, FOCUS!' for fear of losing the thread of a conversation with a male friend who had done just that. The hairline at the back of their neck. Their hands. And yes, that.

Gorgeous. Chuck in everything from Day 3, making him a man, and this Atalanta might just find herself losing her first race.

And loving it.

Day 7. 4 Turn-offs.

1. Selfishness: at the core of all of it, and it encompasses almost everything. Whether you climb the career ladder at the expense of others; don't consider others when you do things; don't make time for those who care about you but expect them to ; see your kids as an extension of yourself; make it all about you; feel entitled to have things done for you RIGHT NOW; think your view is the only view - and anything that proceeds from that, including watching people do things and not offering to help - I have absolutely no time for you whatsoever. And most of my schadenfreude arises when the selfish get exactly what they deserve.

2. Religious asshattery/rigidity/hypocrisy: I've experienced so much of this, beginning with my family, I don't even know where to start.

One of the best examples of this was an acquaintance who did a climb for charity, and the recipient organisation was something I supported wholeheartedly: one that would help kids, so I sponsored her - until she excitedly added on her sponsor sheet, 'I've spoken to someone high up in the charity, and he said we could channel the money to CATHOLIC KIDS!!!!!!' At this point, not only did my name come off her sponsor list, but I wrote in protest, only to get others saying that one should 'take care of one's own tribe first.'

I was so repelled by the transparent selfishness/tribalism of it that, on that day, I swore never to funnel my charitable giving through a religious organisation if I could help it.

Because for me, here's the deal: those in greatest need get first. There is NO order, NO preference, NO 'you're 'ours' and you get first'. The most vulnerable first, full stop. Because there IS no Catholic or Muslim; black or white. There is, as far as I am concerned, only humanity. My money will go where it most needed, regardless of race, creed, religion, tribal affiliation. Read my lips: all I care about is that those who need get. Religion has no place here, except as God's vehicle to provide material and spiritual comfort.

Rigidity: plenty of it in all sorts of circumstances. For that, let me refer you to this entry of mine with the passage from Silver on the Tree by Susan Cooper that sums it up. "Without colour..." Will said reflectively. "I don't know. Maybe because the Dark can only reach people at extremes - blinded by their own shining ideas or locked up in the darkness of their own heads." Sums up far too many religious folk of all stripes far too well.

Hypocrisy: if you're claiming to be the perfect specimen of X religion because you follow all the rules, get this: everyone has a right to be relentless in holding you to them, where we would be much more forgiving with those who are more moderate and admit struggling, doubt and their humanity. So, if you're virulently and vocally 'pro-life', you don't get to be pro-war and pro-death penalty. If you're virulently anti-gay marriage, your ass is ours when you're caught on Clapham Common. If you're a conservative poster boy priest for the Pope who judges his flock in every interaction, from in private to the pulpit, be prepared to be judged.

Why? See #1 and #3. Religion is not your stick to beat those not like you, or to puff yourself up because of some imagined status, and it certainly is not meant to be the LARP it so often becomes, with its own universe separate from G-d's reality. Religion is meant to be your door to let G-d in, to develop a relationship with Him, a way to love Him and His creation.

Religion is a means, not an end - not a way to separate yourself from G-d and others, but to find that you are, in fact, at one with them.

3. Lack of authenticity. I can smell fake from a mile away, and the spikes are out the second I do. My particular pet peeve is the 'sugar/sweetness/light' peddled by those who can be acerbic about most things/feel perfectly comfortable dumping all their anger/darkness on you, but suddenly, when you criticise one of their untouchables, they become completely incapable of understanding hyperbole, offering thoughtful contributions and go all breathy, wide-eyed and 'Oh, you CAN'T say that, maybe the robber with an AK47 didn't MEAN to kill anyone,' 'You know, you really can't say/think/do that,' (Yes, in point of fact, I CAN) or 'It's so UPSETTING when you get angry,' (but clearly, YOUR being angry/upset and dumping it on me is NOT), peddling lack of engagement and condescending moral superiority as charity. If you want me to deal with your shadow, you'd damned well better be prepared to deal with mine.

Oh, and yes, excessive and unnecessary PDAs count here. Because we all know they're bullshit and that it's the little touches that show crackling chemistry between a pair.

And I'll spare you my feelings on the people who lose the ability to think for themselves when they become half a couple or a BFF - suddenly, their SO's/BFF's political/social/style ideas are their own - even if they were diametrically opposed two days ago. But I'm sure you can guess what those thoughts are.

I suppose this turn-off is really about shallowness: not dealing with what you don't want to deal with; not fully engaging with, not struggling towards, who you really are. None of us are fully there - least of all me - but there's a world of difference between moving towards it and amputating/denying it - and it's the latter that I'm talking about here.

4. Drama llama: Arm-waving, dramatic hand against forehead, hyperventilating, fake extreme emotional affect, running around telling everyone what needs to be done when you can't be bothered to lift a finger will NOT make me feel sorry for you. It will make me want to slap the hysteria out of you, most commonly phrased as 'It's an inconvenience, not a catastrophe.'

Get OFF the drama llama yourself, or I will take you off and stand you where it will spit in your face.

Bet you're all glad tomorrow is 3 turn-ons then, aren't you? ;-)

Day 6. 5 people who are important to you, in no particular order

I've decided that there are too many of you that mean too much for me to choose from those of you in my life right now. I couldn't leave any of you out - so, with the exception of my high school crew, y'all are disqualified for this meme. You know how much you mean to me - and if you don't, ask.

1. Bob Tupper: my 'It's Ac' coach for 4 years and my Modern European History teacher, he was my first surrogate dad, and takes a good chunk of the credit for my being able to overcome my childhood. From him I learned that you could still be loved if you were 'bad' (read: angry, upset) and that an argument didn't mean the end of a relationship. 'Thank you' isn't sufficient, Mr T, but it's all I have.

2. Jean Hill: my American history teacher who said to me, "I was discussing you with another teacher, and we think you have this HUGE unexplored verbal talent." My parents had always told me I was shit at anything but maths and science. Ms Hill opened my eyes and made me realise where my heart really was, though it took some time. I AM a liberal arts girl. I can DO science, but my soul is English and history and psychology and...

3. Nana-abba: Grandpa (maternal). This is hard, because I still love and miss him so very much. Just...the gentlest, most spiritual man I've ever known. And I lost him when I realised just how much there was to learn from him. I hope that the woman I am, spiritually, emotionally, in how I am to others, is someone he could be proud of.

4. Lou de Misa: my friend who worked the Child Crisis Line when I worked the Crisis Hotline. She committed suicide and I didn't see it coming. She was a surrogate mother when I needed one, and I wish I'd gone into the room to hug her the last time I saw her, even though she was busy. Requiescat in pace.

5. Nicki, Lari, Sue and crew: this is a cheat - but my high school pod counts as one person, in my eyes. Thank you for being my first friends, for sticking with me despite how difficult I was - for being my shelter, my laughter, my strength when I most needed it. And for pushing the friend button when we found each other on facebook. You were some of the best times in my life at one of the worst times, and halfway across the street or halfway around the world, you will always, always, be a part of me and have a place in my heart.

As will everyone currently and previously in my life that I love so dearly that aren't on the list. You have made me who I am, and words are inadequate to express what you mean to me.

And those of you I have yet to meet, I cannot wait: may our soul ties draw us ever closer to the corner where we turn and find each other. See you soon.

Day 5. 6 things you wish you'd never done.

1. Held back from saying 'I'm in love with you.' I did it because I didn't want to lose the friendship; didn't want to make things difficult. But over time, I've come to believe that as long as it isn't impossible - i.e., they're taken or they bat the other way from you, in which case, it's just putting them in an impossible position and making you deeply unhappy - it's worth the risk, and even if the answer is 'no', it's worth knowing.

2. Let my parents control me for so long. I wish I'd really fought back early: fought for extracurricular activities, fought for MY course choices, refused to be dragged onto endless summer computer/accelerated maths courses, fought to apply to a LOT of colleges AWAY from home. I might have gotten some or none, but if the former, what a different life this would have been.

3. Spent so much time with people who didn't share my values, outlook, sense of humour. Too much time trying to make friendships/social occasions like these work meant I missed out on ones that belonged to me.

4. Shut friends/teachers out growing up or tried to push them away in anger. I lost my two best friends after high school because of that, and though we've found each other on facebook, we'll never get back that closeness or those years in between, which would have meant we would have TRULY shared our lives.

5. Gone against my intuition. Always, always, ALWAYS THE WRONG ANSWER - even if what people were saying sounded rational and what my intuition was saying sounded crazy - it was always right and they were always wrong.

6. Converted to Catholicism - without really exploring the Anglican/Episcopal Church. I honestly don't know which way I would have gone. I can hear my clerical friends all saying 'Catholic, of course,' but I think they're wrong. Given the chance to be a minister to G-d's people, to have a real voice in what happens, to be able to argue without being labelled 'heretic', I might well have fallen on the other side of the fence and been happy. But once I'd chosen Catholicism, I wasn't going to leave unless I left Christianity or organised religion altogether, no matter how hard the attraction to Anglicanism tugged. Whether that was because of a sense of failure, of needing to stick with it, I don't know yet; maybe I never will.
I would never have had to deal with the misogyny; the sense of betrayal by the Church; the 'epithets' of 'heretic', 'angry feminist'; insufferable boys who felt privileged because they could be what I couldn't: an altar server, a priest, even if they weren't called to either; the sense of constant struggle with doctrine.

But then, I wouldn't have met so many people I know and love now - members of my inner circle amongst them.

And perhaps that is the lesson: in the end, maybe it is those things that we wish we'd never done that bring us that which is most precious: maybe in this case, those wrong turns have made the most amazing right.

Day 4. 7 Things that cross your mind a lot

1. Mass train of thought: Interesting hymn choice...crap modern mass setting...the MC is SLOW - what part of 'be in front of the celebrant on the last note' DO YOU NOT GET? - RUN this mass, don't let it run you...this is a mass, not a concert, and the choir is still deeply crap; E needs to go...ooooh, the ministers look CROSS and there's some sotto voce going on, find out what after mass...sermon thoughts...mmmm, incense is NOT Basilica - rose? myrrh?...they really need to let me TRAIN their altar servers...OMG, he's really thin and his ass looks HUGE in that lace cotta...right, off to clear the pews of hymn books this privileged congregation can't seem to pick up themselves/No, this week, someone else can do it.

2. We're 1:47 into the sermon - clerical hobbyhorse/insecurity/personal issues coming up in 5...4...3...2...1 - Houston, we have liftoff!

3. Cute baby/kid/father-daughter moment! *melt*

4. Oh. This is an ordinary moment, and it is totally rocking. I love my peops, where I am and what I'm doing right now, simple as it is. Beauty.

5. I have the absolute best, most awesome friends in the world. I do not deserve them, but thank you, God.

6. ARE YOU ON CRACK?

7. How do I do this; how can I be here for them? What if I'm the wrong person, what if I fuck up? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS! Oh wait, yes I do. Breathe. Be present. Listen. Love. And get the hell out of the way of that which is greater than you, working through your intuition - G-d, Source, Holy Spirit, collective unconscious - and let It do what needs doing.

Day 3. 8 ways to win my heart

1. Authenticity. I didn't have to think too hard about what went at the top of this list, because everything else flows from this: be whole. Be REAL. Be comfortable in your own skin. This encompasses personal responsibility and self-awareness: grapple with what you need to grapple with; if someone points out something they think you're not facing, consider it, talk about it, admit it if it's true. My inner Sneakoscope is very sensitive and is constantly going off [I cannot tell you how loud it is in church! ;-)]. If it's silent around you, you're on.

2. Listen. Really, really listen. Not just to me, but to everyone. I'm likely to melt if I'm watching you *really* listen to someone, no matter who they are or how crazy I know they drive you, because it says so much about the kind of man you are.

3. Treat the people who serve you the way you would treat the pope (if you're Catholic) or royalty. Say 'thank you'. Smile. Be patient. If something is wrong, explain it calmly. If you treat a shop assistant, waiter/waitress, bank clerk like crap - shouting, being aggressive or mocking, as seems to be the wont in OX2, whilst being a complete sycophant around your boss, clerics or anyone you perceive to be above you, you're out the door - and that'll be via my foot connecting with your ass.

4. Love children. I don't just mean as in 'I want children one day.' I mean that in the deep, powerful, protective, almost archetypal way that I love children. As in 'No matter whose child it is, I will fall at the first ditch to protect them.' I will know from watching you with them and from the longing note in your voice when you speak of them - I will know if they're as much your vocation as they are mine.

5. Put your foot down with me. Yes, you read that right. "Irim, you're wrong," is one of the sexiest phrases I can hear. I'm a very strong, opinionated, provocative personality - and I need someone who'll stand toe to toe with me and offer equal resistance. Too often, people just agree or don't engage. I want a partner, not a pushover; someone to engage with me, to tussle with - someone with the strength to work alongside me.

6. Be cheeky, cheeky, cheeky. Teasing and banter are amongst my favourite ways to communicate. I expect you to give me cheek, and I expect you to be able to take it. I do NOT mean the kind of edged, angry teasing that hides anger or poking at a sensitive place - mockery makes me angry and is one step away from contempt. I mean the warm teasing that comes from affection and intimacy.

7. Have depth, passion, complexity. Yes, that's all one. It's about being at home in the deep, where it can seem still, but there are powerful currents and emotions running through that you are in touch with. It means noting everything that is there: love, anger, joy, pain, hate, tenderness, hardness - and being able to hold it, being comfortable with it. Loving and playing with the nuances and teasing out the complex patterns found there - even better, offer me some of yours to play with...and I'll let you play with mine.

8. Offer strength, protection, sanctuary. If there is one thing I long for when I wake at 4am and can't get back to sleep, it's this - being held. I spend a lot of time being strong, holding space for and being a sanctuary for others - I need one of my own. I am deeply emotional and I go to some very dark places: I need you to be able to hold the space for me and not be afraid, not pull back, when that happens. I need to be able to collapse against you and know you won't break. I'm NOT expecting you to fix it or make it better; I need to know you're there, like a lighthouse bringing me home in a fog or onto tricky shores. Sometimes, I want YOU to stand up for me. I can stand up for myself, but to have someone who cares enough to stand up and say, "She's NOT like that, you don't KNOW her. Back off," means a lot - in my presence or out of it.

Ja, feminist I may be, but opening doors and making sure I get home or on the bus/taxi safely wins me over bigtime. That's not about control, it's about care; making sure that I'm doing what I can and not putting myself at risk. Oh, and if I've been drinking and tell you I can walk home, and you look at me and say, 'No, you're not,' in a tone that brooks no argument, that gets you bonus points (see #5).

And that's the way love goes...

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.