No longer a deal-breaker

When I was living Stateside, I'd have categorically told you that smoking was a deal-breaker, even for friendship.

Well, considering that the last man I was with bordered on chain, and I now have so many friends who smoke, I wish the smoking ban would be rescinded - at least for the winter, so I don't have to make the choice between interrupting a really good conversation and freezing - I think we can safely say that I have flip-flopped.

In fact, I've had more than one friend offer me a cigarette because I make comments like, "You'll want to be nipping out for a smoke now," or I'll simply appreciate the act of lighting up.

Mandatory disclaimer about hating how my hair and clothes smell and being worried about my friends' health. I genuinely AM, but I know nagging them will get me nowhere and just piss them off. I'd rather keep the friends, thanks.

The other week, after I'd mentioned yet another male friend who smokes, one of my friends asked me, "What IS it with you and men who smoke?" I think part of it is statistics: men from Europe and elsewhere around the world just smoke more than American men, so more of my male friends here smoke. I don't know if there is any other correlation, really.

Well, maybe one. They're just so damn cute:


more animals

Yeah, you kind of had to know this whole entry was composed just for one of the cutest lolcat pics ever.

Happy New Year...

I must confess, there's nothing like seeing the softest expression and gentle behaviour from a man who is usually tough. It's even more likely to make me melt if he's in uniform.

All I have to add to this is that I hope 2009 means No fite and just rubs for hoominz too. We might be amazed to find that listening and trying to understand, rather than trying to destroy what we refuse to understand, may find our way through where guns won't.

So, again, in the words of a late 20th century bard:

"...a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear -

War is over, if you want it
War is over NOW."

The emotionally unavailable male - lolcat demonstration

Note, how in the first picture, he is da cat making teh move - it's HIS paw around her...

He chases and chases, and finally, she gives in. Things are marvelous: he's attentive, the sex is out of this world, life goes by in the haze of rose-coloured glasses.

Then she has a bad day, needs a little affection and comes home to this:


Unfortunately, with the emotionally unavailable man, that's all it will ever be. The instant you pull away, he'll come after you with flowers, phone calls, candlelit dinners and great sex. As soon as you try to settle down into a consistently emotionally close relationship, you'd get more warmth hugging Michelangelo's David.

I don't like to quote Nancy Reagan often - ok, ever - but this time, it's warranted. In this situation, sisters mine, take her advice and...

Just say 'no'.

Find a real man - one who isn't afraid of the day-to-day closeness and who can go the emotional distance.

Irim as lolcat

After last night's post, I couldn't resist. Imagine any member of the Catholic hierarchy as the tabby: Fr Voldy, Cardinal Keeler, etc. In my mind, it's Joseph Ratzinger/Pope Benedict. Now imagine me as the Siamese.

Totally, eh?

For some reason - and I'm sure my psychoanalytically inclined friends will go to town with this (with my blessing) - I can see the tabby as my *mother* (NOT my father, which is interesting).

So: the tabby is either my mother or a member of the male hierarchy of the Catholic Church.

Coincidence?

I think not.

I wish...

a. I could do qewl things like this.
b. I could look this good in a picture whilst needing my own postcode. I'm dreading the pics from Anna's party being posted on Facebook!

Chaperone cat

Absolutely brilliant. I'm still laughing.

As a well-endowed female, I've had my share of men talk to my cleavage rather than my face, and only once have I had the nerve to say, "If you want to know what my bra size is, why don't you look me in the eye and ask me?"

Let me be clear from the start: sexual harrassment and objectification of *either* gender is NOT acceptable. Within that framework, though, I have to admit - and I'll probably get flamed by the sisterhood for this - that I love my cleavage, and a man talking to it merely amuses me. I'm a gleeful exponent of the 'four millisecond' rule: every male, straight or gay, looks at a woman's cleavage for 4 milliseconds before looking up. If a guy breaks the four millisecond rule (i.e., looks for longer), I tend to assume he's straight. Having serious cleavage is great gaydar confirmation.

I suspect I'm not bothered because I'm not a beautiful woman (the only way I'll stop traffic is by using the crosswalk light at pedestrian crossings), so I don't get stared at and treated as an object/commodity. I'm pretty enough for all normal purposes, to quote "Our Town", and that's good enough for me. The guys staring at my chest whilst talking to me already know me and are interested in what I'm *saying* whilst admiring my assets, which is a different kettle of fish from the leering stranger with a drink in hand.

For the latter type, chaperone cat with sharp claws would be extremely useful:


I love the wee added comment on icanhascheezburger:

but her eyez r sew purtee.

So, guys, don't forget to look up - you may even find out more than just her bra size.

Teh best Baibl tranzlashun evur...Srsly.

I have gone through many versions of holy books and God in my search for the Truth...Trinity, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Baldur...

I've finally discovered the truth - God as Ceiling Cat. It's just so...right.

I tried God as Father and Trinity. Honest, I did. But there were huge gaps right from the creation story. Compare the Judaeo-Christian story with Ceiling Cat's:

Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.

I'm greeted at the beginning: "Oh hai". Wouldn't you say that to one of your followers? "Oh hai, glad u wantz to findz out how u wuz made." Of course you would. Even though they were reading, it would be like talking to them. That's a God thing.

Ceiling Cat was boreded. That answers the eternal question, "WHY make heaven and urf?" Why not? Especially if there's nuffin else to do.

"He did not eated them." I always wondered that. God must have been hungry - creation was a lot of work. Why hadn't God eated his creation? Now I know it was a struggle, and he didn't, it makes me love Ceiling Cat so much more. He hadn't eated us because he so loved us, he sent us his only son, Jeebus.

"Invisible bike": far more sensible than breathing on the waters. I mean, how far can a breath travel? Bike, as long as he wasn't riding it on the pavement (which he wasn't, b/c it wasn't created yet) - fabulous, green solution.

And separating light and dark - no problem for kittehs, which was a huge relief for me.

Enough of Genesis. Another section of the Old Testament I had problems with was poor translations of the 23rd psalm - 'drooping spirit' indeed. Compare that with this:

1 Ceiling Cat iz mai sheprd (which is funni if u knowz teh joek about herdin catz LOL.)
He givz me evrithin I need.
2 He letz me sleeps in teh sunni spot
an haz liek nice waterz r ovar thar.
3 He makez mai soul happi an maeks sure I go teh riet wai for him. Liek thru teh cat flap insted of out teh opin windo LOL.
4 I iz in teh valli of dogz, fearin no pooch,
bcz Ceiling Cat iz besied me rubbin' mah ears, an it maek me so kumfy.

"Letz me sleep in the sunni spot", "Makez mai soul happi", "maek me so kumfy" - isn't that what a parent would do for his child? How much more then would our Ceiling Cat father in heaven do for us??

One section I've always struggled to understand is the whole thing about the robber and sheepfold and gates. Confuzed. But Ceiling Cat's son, Jeebus/Jesus makes it all clear:

1 Jesus say "k gais i is for srs, if ur in shepfold and u no goes thru dor, u is r0bbr.
2 but if u can goez in thru shepfold door, is ur shepfold.
3 cuz that means shepfold dorman see u and all ur sheepz hearz u. cuz u give shepz names and takez them from shepfold
4 and so the shepz hearz name and folowz cuz is shepfold gai an hear liek teh shepfold gai.
5 but if iz no shepfold gai, sheepz no folow cos is no shepfold gai and no sowndz like shepfold guy so shepz are like: run awai! is no shepfold gai!"

It's so simple now - if you don't enter through the door, you are a thief and the sheep won't follow anyone who is not the shepfold gai. And this is so clearly the informal way that Jesus would address his friends: "K gais, I is for srs," letting them know they needed to take notes.
And their reaction is so predictable, it's refreshing to have it uncensored:

6 Teh gaiz wer liek "wtf u talkin bout sheepz 4? i has no klu wat u meanz."

Can't you just hear Peter's whiny little voice? Rock, my a**. Mud, more like.

And Jesus' willingness to reiterate and reassure:

7 Jesus sez agn "k, lsn srsly gais, i iz shep door.
8 Erleer peepz was r0bberz, n sheepz was like: i no lisn 2 u.
9 I iz door. (I iz opn door, so u no need 2 compln, k?) U goes thru me, u iz ok, n u go in n u com out n u getz nice gras n stuf.
10 R0bberz d00dz steelz ur stuff n kilz u. I iz here so u can has lots of lif.

"I iz opn door, so u no need 2 compln, k?" - a neon sign with clear instructions.

And finally, the reason for all people to come to Ceiling Cat and Jeebus:

25 We were n00bs, but Jeebus takes teh n00b awai.

Absolutely. As long as that isn't a mistranslation that is meant to read "Jeebus takes the b00b away", all is well - because no one is taking my b00bs, not even Ceiling Cat. They rock.

But as for n00bness, well, we can all afford to lose that. Rock on, Jeebus and Ceiling Cat.

Amen.