And one day, I woke up to find myself wearing a burqa and smoking a hookah...

I love booking with VisitScotland, they're great. Honestly, most of the tourist boards in the UK here are really helpful. I don't use them when I go to Orkney because I adore Inga and her self-catering flats at Atlantis Lodges in Finstown on the Mainland; but since my friend Ann and I are going up by train, we need to stay overnight in Inverness each way.

I got this booking letter on 1 July as an email attachment, skimmed it and filed it till I needed to print it off today. (Off tomorrow, hurrah!) I read it through, then started giggling uncontrollably. See if you can spot why...


VisitScotland.com
Fairways Business Park
Deer Park Avenue
Fairways Business Park
Livingston
Scotland
EH54 8AF
Great Britain


Ms Irim []
xxxxxxxxxxx
Oxford
Oxfordshire
OXn nXX
Afghanistan

It's all becoming so clear to me now. That would explain why all the posted mileages switched from London to Kabul this morning....

Even my spider catcher wasn't big enough...

This picture is so me. Guess which one I am...

A new direction

Well, I've finally done it.

After university, I did a stint phone counseling at a suicide hotline, and I remember being completely absorbed by the training. I went back to uni to take some psychology courses, hoping to go to graduate school in psychology, but I needed to work, so that never got off the ground.

I've taught, been a librarian, but my heart has always been in psychology/counselling. It shows up in my favourite television shows, what I read, how I behave, what I listen for.

But when it came to going for it as a career, I made all kinds of excuses. I'm not sure why; part of it is that growing up with parents obsessed by academic work to the exclusion of everything else meant I couldn't bear the thought of more. There was also the excuse of time, money, age, you name it, I found it.

But vocation is vocation. I've been told over and over that it's an area of strength for me, person after person has asked if I am/have thought about it/why not/and so on. And over the years, my interest in the area has grown, not waned. And somehow, I just gravitate towards people who hurt. This year, I gave in and said 'yes' to the universe.

I'm on a course to train as a psychotherapist. And I can't wait for it to start.

KJ asked me: So why do you want to go in to psychotherapy? You're clearly good at reading people, but I'm guessing it's more than just having the natural talent?

I say so much on this blog that it must be hard to believe that I find this hard to articulate - but those things closest to the heart are. For this 'why', there aren't words. It's just...what I do.

But perhaps music and words can express what I can't:



"Don't give up, 'cos you have friends,
Don't give up, you're not beaten yet
Don't give up, I know you can make it good..."

I want to be part of helping people see that, helping them find *their* way, not anyone else's:

"Don't give up, 'cos somewhere there's a place where we belong."

It's gonna be all right, even if it's not what you expected. Hang in there.

And if you need a hand, here's one to hold till you can make it on your own.

Stealth sexy...

I felt great about my birthday outfit till I saw pictures of myself sitting down in it. The words 'beached' and 'whale' came to mind, as well as "OHMYGOD, TIME FOR SLIMFAST AND THE GYM!!"

Working on the second, not desperate enough for the first yet - as I've said here before, I love my cleavage, and with Slimfast, it tends to go first. No go. I own way too many tops designed to show it off.

Jack and I were online chatting today, and as ever, he left me feeling happy and protected (despite being my junior by a good number of years). All IM typos are left in:

Jack says (19:21):
once im free again it would be nice to go out with some of you friends from your bday again
Irim says (19:21):
that would be lovely
Jack says (19:22):
cooolo
Irim says (19:22):
once I've lost at least a stone and look decent in photos
Irim says (19:22):
:D
Jack says (19:25):
dude, u looked fucking hot on your bday!
Irim says (19:26):
Awww, you're so sweet!
Jack says (19:26):
serious
Jack says (19:26):
u must have lost a load of weight
Jack says (19:26):
i wasnt just being charming!
Jack says (19:26):
:)
Irim says (19:26):
Actually, I usually wear clothes way too big
Jack says (19:26):
aha
Irim says (19:26):
I was wearing clothes that fit
Jack says (19:27):
one of the "gist is better then the wrappings" eh
Jack says (19:27):
nice
Jack says (19:27):
stealth sexy
Jack says (19:27):
:)
Irim says (19:27):
anything that hangs from my tits means I have a [] inch waist,
Jack says (19:27):
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH
Irim says (19:27):
I love that phrase
Jack says (19:27):
thats fucking funny
Irim says (19:27):
I just think if a guy doesn't look past the surface, it's not worth it
Jack says (19:27):
agreeed
Irim says (19:27):
'stealth sexy'
Irim says (19:28):
might have to blog it.
Jack says (19:28):
do it
Jack says (19:28):
i want ot be quoted
Irim says (19:28):
all right, darling. Do you want to be named?
Jack says (19:28):
fuk yeh

And so, my dear, consider yourself named.

"Stealth sexy". Just like that, he took my wearing big clothes - anchored in the sexual abuse, my mother's complete weirdness about my body in all sorts of ways, and my resulting ambivalence about my body - and turned it into gift wrapping.

Lo, verily, I was healed.

Patenting a phrase...

This morning, whilst holding a hypothetical conversation with a friend fast on the path to relationship deadwood in my head, I thought,

"I really need to cough up the hairball that is my relationship with X."

I just loved the imagery and had to put in on record!

A few real blog entries to follow, I promise.